By Jonathan David Morris
Life was better under Soviet rule.
Well, actually, let me rephrase that. What I mean is, I liked it better when Americans lived in fear of the Soviets.
It ruled.
Last week, Russian President Vladimir Putin called the collapse of the Soviet Union a genuine tragedy. Now, technically, I think hes way off base here. His perspective is that it was better for Russia when former Soviet republics were under Russian rule. Well, no kidding. Thats like saying Guns N Roses was better when it contained real members of the Guns N Roses band (instead of just W. Axl toiling away in a basement on the End of Days soundtrack). The Soviet government killed millions of people. Its collapse was not a genuine tragedy. But perhaps it was the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century" for Americans.
Now, why would I say this? Why would I suggest that the end of the Cold Waroften hailed as one of Americas greatest accomplishmentsis something to bemoan? Well, thats simple: Because it is. Americans just havent noticed it yet.
See, foreign policy is a lot like boxing. Youre only as good as your competition. Thats why Mike Tyson could never have been better than Muhammad Ali. Great fighters beat other great fighters. Whod Tyson beat in his prime? Michael Spinks? Trevor Berbick? Give me a break. Those guys couldntve carried Jerry Quarrys jockstrap.
The same thing goes for Americas legacy. How will historians remember modern Americans? (Okay, besides fat and lazy?) Gone are the days of brave-new-world Americathe America of Main Streets, pastels, and hot cups of joe. Its more of a manifest destiny America now. Were ever-expanding, even spreading some lofty ideals. But its just not the same. Were not the America of lore. Were the America with unbridled firepowerlike the 96 Chicago Bulls, who went 72-10.
America is at its best when its up against stiff competition. And against the Soviets of old, todays enemies just cant compete. I guess what Im trying to say is, Im a little tired of the Cold War/War on Terror comparison. No offense, but its hardly a comparison at all. In fact, its a slap in the face of our worthy Soviet opponents. Thats why Putin was right when he called the Soviet Unions collapse a geopolitical catastrophe. For America, thats exactly what it was.
Think about this. When it was the USA vs. the USSR, you knew what you were up against. Ostensibly, it was a battle of capitalist pigs vs. communist hacks. But today? Today, we face terrorism. Thats like facing botulism. Its not an enemy; its just a problem.
Nor am I buying this idea that were at war with radical Islam. Sure radical Islam hates us. But radical Islam hates everyoneregular Islam included. If Americas going to have an archenemy, shouldnt it be Americas archenemy? Were capitalists. Were not supposed to share.
This brings me to my next point: Marketing. Now, obviously, the Nazis had the best ad campaign of all our 20th Century enemies, but give the USSR some creditthey were pretty well-marketed, too. The Soviets had their own insignia, for instance. You know the one Im talking about. Red background. Yellow hammer and sickle. Were talking major brand awareness here. Conversely, terrorism is no-frills. Its Brand X. The store brand. Whats their symbola VHS tape? Army fatigues? A gibberish alphabet Americans cant even comprehend? Please. Hire yourselves a graphic designer. Then get back to me.
The Soviets had credibility. Terrorists dont. The USSR couldve conceivably conquered our country. You think terrorists could do that? Why? Few of them have any experience in political office. And those that do make Russias old leaders look like pillars of competence. The 9/11 hijackers couldnt have hoped to change our culture; conservative Christians have been trying to do that for years. And without a couple of nukes, they wouldntve beaten us militarily, either. They havent got an army. They dont even have airplanes. They had to borrow ours.
Oh, and whats with this Teach me to fly but not how to land crap? If 80s cinema could portray the Soviets as bumbling idiots, then terrorists are the square root of stupidity.
Finally, theres the terrorist M.O.namely, living and working amongst us. Yes, its a frightening gimmick, but its also the oldest trick in the book. (Joe McCarthy, anybody?) Furthermore, terrorists talk more about our presence in their land than their presence in ours. The way I figure, if they stopped aiming for women and children, ditched repression, and simply resorted to snide remarks (like Canada), a lot of Americans might even agree with them. Hell, between free speech zones and taking your shoes off at the airport (which, itself, can be construed as a terrorist act), were probably just as annoyed with our Soviet-style government as they are.
Terrorists hit us hard on September 11thharder, I might add, than the USSR ever did. But to be fair, it was merely a series of well-delivered punches. And, thankfully, they havent hit us since. Maybe thats because were fighting them in their own countries now. Maybe its because they were meek and pathetic to begin with. I dont know. But at this point, theyre basically our Buster Douglas.
Jonathan David Morris is a political writer -- and sometimes satirist -- based in Pennsylvania. A strong believer in small government, JDM often takes aim at oppressive taxes, entitlements, and laws, writing about incompetence at the highest levels of culture and government. Catch his weekly ramblings at readjdm.com.